The Simpsons

Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives
away, and sings to the tune of The Flintstones.
'Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town
of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!' (runs into a
chestnut tree)

Praying heavenward, Homer: 'I'm not normally a religious man, but if
you're up there, save me, Superman!'

Bart: 'Milhouse, what happened?! You were supposed to be watching the
factory!'
Milhouse: 'I was watchin'. First it started to fall over, then it fell
over.'

Lisa: 'I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still
doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.'
Homer: 'That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.'

Lisa: 'I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still
doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.'
Homer: 'That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.'

Bart: 'Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come
together to worship Jesus Christ.'

Lisa: 'Dad, what's a Muppet?'
Homer: 'Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
(laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don't know.'

Mr Burns: 'Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash!'
Smithers: 'Um, well, sir... it happened 25 years before I was born.'
Mr Burns: 'Oh, that's your excuse for everything!'

Principal Skinner: 'Children, I couldn't help monitoring your
conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared.
Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.'

Homer's backstage at the Lollopalooza rock concert
Billy Corgan: 'Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.'
Homer: 'Homer Simpson, smiling politely.'

Abe: 'Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's
wrong with your wife?'
Homer: 'Never mind, you wouldn't understand.'
Abe: 'Flu?'
Homer: 'No.'
Abe: 'Protein deficiency?'
Homer: 'No.'
Abe: 'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?'
Homer: 'No.'
Abe: 'Unsatisfying sex life?'
Homer: 'N... yes. But please, don't you say that word!'
Abe: 'What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father
talk about sex? I had seeeeex.'

Chief Wiggum: 'All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not
something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training
to get that badge.'
Man: 'Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!'
Chief Wiggum: 'Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me
your name.'
Man: 'I've had it up to here with your 'rules'!' (leaves)

Bart: 'As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.'
Homer: 'And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.'

Homer: 'Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates
us from the animals... except the weasel.'

Homer: 'I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city,
keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode.
I think it was called, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'

Bart: 'You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who
wear them get BEATEN UP.'
Marge: 'Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your
friend.'

Homer: 'God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!'
Marge: 'Tested, Homer. God tested Moses.'

Homer: 'Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want
you to show your father some love and/or respect.'
Lisa: 'Tough choice.'
Bart: 'I'm picking respect.'

Reverend Lovejoy: 'Wait a minute, that sounds like rock and/or roll.'

Lisa: 'I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new
protractor.'
Homer: 'Too bad we don't live on a farm.'

Marge: 'Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow
don't bother showing up on Monday.'
Homer: 'Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!'

Marge: 'I think we're going to need a bigger place.'
Homer: 'No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have
Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.'
Marge: 'Won't that warp him?'
Homer: 'My cousin Frank did it.'
Marge: 'You don't have a cousin Frank.'
Homer: 'He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his
name is Mother Shabubu now.'

Smithers: 'People like dogs, Mr Burns.'
Mr. Burns: 'Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came
into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all
over you, what would you say?'
Smithers: 'If you did it, sir?'

Bart: 'I am through with working. Working is for chumps.'
Homer: 'Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that
out.'

Marge: 'Homer, I think the baby's coming.'
Homer: 'Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my
life?'

Principal Skinner: 'Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!'
Mrs Krabappel: 'I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama!'
Principal Skinner: 'Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.'

Dr Hibbert: 'Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass
operation.'
Homer: 'Say it in English, Doc.'
Dr Hibbert: 'You're going to need open-heart surgery.'
Homer: 'Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.'
Dr Hibbert: 'We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.'
Homer: 'Could you dumb it down a shade?'

Bart: 'What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees
are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...'

Bart: 'Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?'
Homer: 'Do I have to sit up?'
Bart: 'No.'
Homer: 'Knock yourself out.'

Lionel Hutz: 'I move for a bad court thingy.'
Judge: 'You mean a mistrial?'
Lionel Hutz: 'That's why you're the judge and I'm the... law... talking...
guy.'

Comic Book Guy: 'Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the
worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within
minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.'

Homer: 'I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.'
Lisa: 'I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.'

Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back.
Apu: 'There it is, the world's first convenience store.'
Homer: 'This isn't very convenient.'
Apu: 'Must you knock on everything we do?'

Homer: 'Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,
'you're making a scene'.'

While watching a faculty talent show, Bart: 'I didn't think it was
physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.'

Marge: 'We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like
you go to museums or read books or anything.'
Homer: 'Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They
won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than
the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us 30 minutes to
ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!'

Ralph is lying in bed, Ralph: 'Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.'
Chief Wiggum: 'You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.'

Homer: 'Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.'

Chief Wiggum: 'No jury in the world is going to convict a baby... maybe
Texas.'

Homer: 'I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The
terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might
offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors - oh,
I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their
tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about 'What's to be done with this
Homer Simpson?''

Ralph Wiggum: 'Me fail English? That's unpossible!'

Homer: 'Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or
the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at
you?'

Moe: 'They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got
caught driving without pants.'

Mayor Quimby: 'Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your
shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.'
Ned Flanders: 'Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye!
I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's
Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day!'
Homer: 'You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that! (Grabs the bell from
him) Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all!
Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!'
Chief Wiggum: 'Good God, he is fabulous!'
Principal Skinner: 'He's embiggened that role with that cromulent
performance!'

Homer: 'Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What
about bacon?'
Lisa: 'No.'
Homer: 'Ham?'
Lisa: 'No!'
Homer: 'Pork chops?'
Lisa: 'Dad, those all come from the same animal!'
Homer: 'Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.'

Homer: 'But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old!
Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to
drive?'
Marge: 'That's because you were drunk!'
Homer: 'And how!'

Homer: 'We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget - we invented
computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole,
AND the pudding cup!'

Homer's ghost: 'Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get
into heaven.'
Marge: 'Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the
house...'
Homer's ghost: 'Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running
for Jesus.'