A little girl was born 14 years ago nearly 15 she was born into a family that hadn't planned her but she was a joy to them the first girl in the family, so she was sort of special. Things at home grew steadily worse as she grew older her parents, both very big strong people fought physically all the time and although she seemed to be a happy smiling child she wasn't smiling on the inside she was hurting and crying but she didn't make a sound because she didn't want them to hit her.
One day when she was about 5 her dad disappeared "where's daddy?" she would frequently ask her mother "where is he usually at the pub or at some sluts house!" her mother would spit at her. Each parent to her was absolutely brilliant, but not together only separate. Eventually her dad came knocking at the door. It was about 2 in the morning and she could hear her mother mumbling and walk down the stairs that's when she heard the screams "stop it Mick, get out no!" he mumbled something back which she never did find out what he said but then her mothers plea's brought her to the top of the stairs where she poked her 5 year old small innocent head out and to her complete horror saw her daddy whom she'd loved so dearly clutching at her mom's neck. Fear washed over her she'd watched T.V and although she was only 5 she understood about death and about murder. She wasn't going to let her mommy die so she screamed as loud as she could. Her dad looked up towards her and told her to "shut the **** up!" Or he'd make me, she was still petrified but she kept on screaming hoping pleading to God to let it be alright. Her lovely daddies face turned up towards her but now it wasn't so lovely it was a menacing look he lurched up the stairs her mother made a break for it probably to get help she never did ask. As he lurched she tried to run but he caught her leg and threw her down onto the floor she was horrified as she looked up at the man she loved as he put his hand firmly on her mouth he started push himself inside her small 5 year old body. When he was done he told her never to tell anyone or he'd give her something to cry about.
She did tell someone, her Gran, she loved her so much, but because it was her son she never told anyone but she loved her and hugged her and reassured her and never let her down.
The sexual abuse carried on till eventually she told her mother who by the disgusted look on her face didn't believe her she knew she had to be shown so she set it up. Her mom went out and left her dad to look after her, and as he advanced on her and pinned her down as per usual she walked in through the door, that's when she knew never to mess with her mom as her mom threw plates at her dad and he ran out of the room dodging a bottle of rum. She slumped down outside and sighed with relief it was over she couldn't be more happy.... WRONG!
At the age of 13 she was raped and left to die she didn't she pulled through because she wasn't going to let this get her and plus she had some very good doctors. That was when she met Joe and Jake they were amazing you couldn't ask for better mates every day they helped her through step by step but she never thanked them they gave her everything she never told them what they meant to her because by now she had a deep problem with men and didn't like any of them. On a dark night when she was focused on herself, Jake was attacked, she never forgot her last words to him "you're going to get yourself killed!" she never went after him and her attitude was "what's his problem?" and he his problem was he couldn't take her screaming and moaning anymore.
Jake died of brain hemorrhage she never forgot the look on his face as she said sorry and goodbye but it was too late.
As she stepped into the cool night air her mobile rang, mom appeared she answered and blurted it out and broke into tears on the pavement people passed her sympathetic not knowing whether they could help or not. Silence....then her mother spoke in a shaky voice and broke the destroying news that her Gran had died. She knew she was ill but didn't go to see her because if she did she feared her father would be there and she deeply hated him. Suddenly her pain numbed and she couldn't feel anymore.
The next few weeks was spent in shock with funerals, professional mourners, but there was someone she forgot, Joe, he also had always been there for her and he loved Jake, Jake was his best friend but no one noticed his pain, they focused on her as she'd lost 2 people if only she'd thought about it she could have been there for him but she didn't. Joe died he committed suicide. She will never forget the images of all 3 dead bodies looking as if they were sleeping, except she knew they weren't waking up and that's what hurt most.
She went on a catholic retreat and here she learnt everything. She learnt to live and love again.

This girl is me the main lessons I learned are:
Always say what you feel, when you feel it's the right time it might be too late! Live every day as if it were your last!
Learn from your mistakes, and if you can then learn from my mistakes and learn from others mistakes!
I've had it quite bad I think it's fair to say that but its made me a strong person, always let things make you strong you have a choice it, can make or break you and I chose to let it make me. I hope you let things make you too and not break you.

Kez

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